A resource for individuals and their whanau in eating disorder recovery considering a move to University Halls.

Perspectives from a NZEDC client and parent

Was it scary to send your daughter off to university?

Parent: To begin with, the thought of sending her off to uni was scary, without a doubt. I was fearful of her relapsing. What if she did relapse, where from here? I was worried about her health and her undoing all her hard work. I was also fearful of not having any ‘control’ in seeing what she was and wasn’t eating on a daily basis.

However, on the day of moving into the halls, seeing her excitement for this new chapter in her life actually made me so proud and happy. We had all worked so hard to get her to this point, most of all my daughter. It was only fair for to give her the opportunity to succeed.

I realise now it was the best option for both of us. My daughter had gotten to a point where she had much more autonomy over her eating and general living. It was difficult mentally for me to let go. With her going off to university, it helped me get over thinking I always needed to be in control.

What helped you to feel secure with the plan for her to live away from home?

Parent: The plan we had in place in with her therapist. That was so reassuring; knowing that she was still going to have the same amount of support even though she was living in the opposite end of the country. My daughter was aware what would happen if she did relapse; if she wanted to succeed at university she had to succeed at keeping the ED at bay.

Do you think she was ready to go? How did you decide to let her go anyway if you weren’t sure about readiness?

Parent: At the time, I probably didn’t think she was ready. I think I wanted another 6 months at home to prepare her. However, on reflection, it was her time to go. And my time to let go of the reigns. As mentioned previously she had worked so hard on her recovery to get to university. Just seeing that determination she had made me realise I had to give her this chance.

Do you think you were ready to become independent?

Client: I think I was ready. I was dependent on my mum for a while and being a young adult now living away from home I had to learn to do things for myself, which included eating unsupervised. I knew I was ready because I was viewing independence as a way to grow as an individual rather than an opportunity for the eating disorder to develop.

If you could have done anything differently in how you prepared to move, what would that be?

Client: I would have opened up about my final challenges more. I struggled a lot with timing of food, and I was still struggling up until flying down to University and I wish I had opened up about this more so that I would have been better prepared for the adjustment to University. For example, I could not lunch before 1pm, but quickly I realised at university this “rule” would not be sustainable and although it was a struggle I am now free any food rules, and timing.

What was the most unexpected challenge during your transition to living in uni halls?

Client: My most unexpected challenge was listening to my body when I did not want to go out, and overcoming peer pressure. Obviously being first year university in NZ, people go out and drink a lot and this can become very tiring. People do try and pressure you to go out to town, and drink, which is nice because they want you to be included but sometimes it can come across a bit forceful. It’s important to learn to say no when you want to, still allowing yourself to go out with your friends and making memories, but if you don’t want to go out 100% of the time, you should not have to. It is so important to find that balance.

Did you hit any roadblocks in the first few months? How did you overcome them?

Client: Moving to university, the first month I lost quite a bit of weight, this was a factor of being unwell with a virus but also holding onto old food rules. My therapist had organised that I would get weighed every week at student health, and this held me accountable. Getting weighed at first and seeing my weight drop a lot was scary because I was afraid I would have to return home, this moment was a changing point in my recovery. I realised, for the first time ever I would have to gain weight entirely by myself, which I did do and this helped me further break any lingering food rules and becoming independent.

How did you navigate the catered food in halls?

Client: Navigating the catered food in halls was difficult at times. Starting with breakfast, I found this the easiest, trying to make sure I varied my breakfast. Lunch and dinner was not always something that I fancied, I think it is important that most of the time I still tried to eat my meal or buy something else, ensuring I did not skip that meal. Personally, before University I avoided fast food for years, then this year naturally teenagers love fast food and I made so many drunk trips there, or hungover trips there and I think that it was important that I joined because it has helped me get closer to recovery and make so many memories.

Was it scary to meet new people?

Client: Meeting new people comes quite naturally in halls. I went into my hall knowing a small group of people but now I know so many more. O-week is a great opportunity to meet people, and find where you fit in, I look back at toga night and all the girls I sat with are still my closest friends today. The first few days may be intimidating and introducing yourself but it all works out.

Was it tempting to use exercise to compensate for food?

Client: It was very tempting. For the first time I was allowed to go to the gym, so it was important that I introduced this into my life a healthy way. Some of my friends would go gym everyday, but I knew that wasn’t healthy for me so I just did it 2-3 times a week, most of the time with a friend and made sure that I was doing fitness for health and enjoyment, rather than for compensation for food. I made sure that I was still eating enough, even when I had not exercised allowing myself all food groups.

 What are the most important things you DID and DID NOT DO to help you succeed?

Client: Important things for me were not skipping a meal, and not excluding food groups. At university, no one was holding me accountable and if I didn’t show up to breakfast or did not grab dessert after dinner, no one would say anything. I think, especially at the beginning of your transition, habits begin to form in your new environment and it is important that these habits are beneficial to your recovery rather than detrimental. Skipping dessert one Sunday because you drank a lot the night before, which may be seen as “bad” will quickly turn into a negative habit and will not benefit you succeeding.

At university, I did a lot of walking, just because of the nature of getting to lectures, tutorials etc. In order for me to succeed, I had to make sure that I viewed walking as a transportation method rather than a way to burn calories. This is really hard to do when people are talking about how many steps they walked that day, but it is important I didn’t just think of calories burned or number of steps, and instead was looking at it as a normal part of my day to get to University and learn.

Another important thing I did not do once throughout my entire first year halls was look at the nutritional information of meals. At my hall, our food menu was online, along with nutritional information of all the meal components. I knew looking at this would not help me succeed, so I actively chose not to look, even though tempting I knew it would not help me succeed. The same goes with alcohol, I wanted to make sure I opted for a drink that I enjoyed instead of looking for the healthiest option.

What is your favourite memory from your first year of uni that you would not have been able to make if you still had AN?

Client: There are so many favourite memories to choose from, but one of my top memories would be going on a ski trip to Wanaka with my friend group. Us boys and girls, booked out an airbnb and had organised to get up early each morning to ski, have a filling lunch, come home and eat a yummy filling dinner followed by some drinks. I had such a fun time, and this would not have been possible if I was still deep in my eating disorder. I went to Queenstown deep in my eating disorder with my family, and it was very difficult, I was a shell of human and did not make the most of the trip, compared to my trip with my friends where I made the most of trip and had such wonderful memories.

Was your journey easy and straightforward? What helped you to “get traction” with your progress?

Client: I don’t think any recovery journey will be easy and straightforward. At University we had many appointments set up to help ensure I was maintaining weight, and weekly therapy appointments to ensure I was continuing progress in my recovery. I think it helped for me to keep my history with my eating disorder to myself because I did not want it to be part of my identity and something I felt obliged to sustain, like I previously had at school.

 How did you manage the uncertainty of knowing how your daughter was doing since you were not seeing her everyday?

Parent: I had to have some trust that she would do the right thing, which isn’t easy considering the nature of the illness. I had to trust the process we had in place of her having ongoing therapy, regular weigh-ins and check ups when she was back home.

What surprised you about your daughter’s first year living away from home?

Parent: How amazing she did. Yes, there was the initial hurdle at the very beginning but with her having the best support she was back on track very quickly. She has conquered so much mentally in that first year. I was also impressed with the care she had in the halls of residence and the university health centre. The food options in the halls were really good, this certainly relieved a few concerns.

Did you consider bringing your daughter home at any point? Would you have brought there back home if needed?

Parent: Fortunately, this was never an avenue we had to explore. If things had taken a different turn and the planned intervention was unsuccessful then yes I would have brought her home. However, I would give her this opportunity to over-turn any weight loss before bringing her home.

What is your message of hope to those who want to move into uni halls next year? 

Client: I would say that moving into halls can be your best year of your life, I truly have made so many friends and life-long friendships. I have learned so much about myself separate from my eating disorder , and it would not have been possible if I did not have hope. I had moments in the beginning when I wanted to be home with my mum, in the comfort of my usual environment and routine, but I overcame this by surrounding myself with positive people who make me laugh and now I look back at halls realising how it was the best thing for me.

Would you consider yourself recovered? How can you tell? 

Client: I would consider myself 95% of the way there. University helped me progress so much, in the best way possible. Over the past years as well my eating disorder I have struggled with OCD, and although it does not cause me stress I still have lingering thoughts that when highly stressed can grow louder and can potentially be acted upon. The vast majority of the time when I eat I do not have any negative thoughts, but occasionally I get the lingering eating-disorder thought that I do not act on but it’s still there and I know with time can become quieter and eventually go away.

Is recovery possible? What helped you to believe this when things felt really hard?

Client: Recovery is possible. During 2020-2022, I did not believe recovery was possible. OCD and my eating disorder, absorbed my entire life and I thought it would be that way forever. When things felt really hard, I was in a really dark place and saw no chance of recovery. Being at home I was being pushed towards recovery, which I am thankful for, but I was only “recovering” in fear that I would get in trouble with mum at home if I didn’t, however when I moved to halls I started recovering with the personal desire that I wanted a better quality of life and that difference made huge change.

What helped you to push through in moments where it felt like things would never get better?

Parent: I focused on every sign that my daughter was improving. Even the smallest of improvements was a win. On those tough days I relied on the support of others; my daughter’s therapist, my partner friends and family. I had a mantra of “never give in; don’t let the ED win”

What advice would you give to parents at the start of the journey supporting their daughter through eating disorder recovery?

Parent: Have belief that your daughter will get better – with love and sheer determination you can get her through this.

Find a therapist that will fit with your daughter and family. And trust what they have to say and be consistent with your recovery approach. Take each day at a time. Every small improvement is a win.

Make sure you have a good support system. Talk it through with family and friends. Take time out for yourself too.

My daughter was acutely unwell; it felt like we were in this never-ending war. We got through it, please believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel.